PSE FAQ: Paranoia?

Back on December 12, 2000, Ron wrote about "The difference between paranoia ... and Realistic Paraonia^TM":

Back when I was a hippy in the 60s and 70s folks spent a lot of time being paranoid about whether their phone was tapped. Over the course of several years of worrying, wondering, and bragging about whether one's phone was, indeed, tapped: you got to be Very Dangerous to warrant someone -- local police, state police, FBI -- listening to your phone 24-hours a day to see what you're saying. Cooler heads suggested that maybe you had to be worth a lot to command that amount of equipment and three shifts of people listening. That was the Reality Check on Realistic Paranoia: am I -- or who was -- worth that amount of money to surveil? and the clue was not what was communicated, necessarily, but who you were communicating with: the connection(s).

We got a recent heads-on up on poly security from the PolyActivists list:

>The following message was forwarded to the PolyFamilies
>list today after being sent to the Chesapeake Poly
>Network's mailing list. It's very frightening to me.

As part of the PolySouthEast Council I feel the need to let you know how we got where we are today, which in my book, is faily secure. Maybe not as tight as it could be, but for today adequate for our purpose.

M & R, our list-co-hosts, require some minimal statement of intent before folks can be subscribed to this list. This is a good thing. It's a pretty low broom to have to jump over, and I hope Mark or Rachel will chime in with some of the obvious emails that let them know that some folks didn't belong here. My and C's experience on other Big Poly lists back in the mid-nineties, got us very aware of the problems of participating in an open list, that is where anyone w/an email address can sign on and get right in the thick of things, fast, start a flame war and generally disrupt the group with off-topic band-width. People leave when this happens.

PolySouthEast is not an open list. We take some minimal amount of care to try to assure ourselves that folks that are allowed to join this list, come with a sense that they are poly, and are interested in meeting other like-minded people, in a safe, sane, and consensual email environment, and possibly, at some point, meeting face-to-face, InRealLife, one of these daze.

I think we are successfull and I'm very pleased about that. There are some ideas that have come up from the CPN event that I want to let folks know have been thought about. I don't think this is the Last Word, after all I am only one member of the PSE council, and certainly PolySouthEast is a big enough ship that it won't turn very quickly. Your comments and dialogue are important and welcome.

Some thoughts:

I personally would like to know, in folk's introductions, where they live, what city and state? Having said that and feeling pretty safe signing myself "Ron, in Atlanta" I realize that that's probably not appropriate for folks that are in small towns. I see already that one lady has reduced her signature from "<small-town>, in <state>" to just "in <state>" and I think that is appropriate. One of the benefits of living in one of the south's larger city-states: Atlanta, an SMSA: Standard Metropolitan Statistical Area, is that the name of the city-state, doesn't necessarily mean that my address is in that city. In fact I don't know anyone "in Atlanta," that actually lives in the city of Atlanta! I could be under-informed; I think you get my point.

What does knowing the state where someone lives actually tell me anything about them and their poly experience. Probably nothing. Perhaps I'm just weird: I think "west" when e-talking to the Alabama contingent; "south" when e-talking to the Floridians, etc. You signed up to meet poly folk near you, right?

Do I want to raise the broom for folks to hop over, in order to join PSE? No, I don't. I think our security is working well. We have no trolling incidents, no flamage, sufficient volume to keep folks tuned in and occasional real discussions. We advertise ourselves in Loving More Magazine as a "sporadic" list, and we're definitely sporadic! While I'd like to see more get-togethers and especially get to the point of having educational meetings, which I figure is the point of the Chesapeake Poly Network regular meetings, we haven't reached that Critical Mass of folks that say they want that, as well as have the person-power and volunteers to pull it off. Could happen any day, but I'm over holding my breath, waiting.

We are successful as a social list. Our main point -- what is our main point? -- to provide opportunity for folks to net-work: find that #1 they are not alone, and #2 actually meet another living breathing poly person, not necessarily to date, but at least to talk, openly and honestly about what's happening in our lives.

While we're talking about security, I feel the need to state some Common Sense about what it means to be on this, or any other, email list:

Go slow
Read a while
Get to know the personalities on the list
Note the differing styles of communication
Be comfortable with your own style
Report trolls/wanna-f*cks and other inappropriate private email to the list, immediately! You are a list member and ought to accept some responsibility in keeping this a safe place to communicate
Resist your urge to meet people right away. (Recommended article: Meeting Online Contacts Offline.) Here's the drill for considering meeting someone:
- Private email
- Meet in a poly group get-together
- Meet in a public place
- Only then consider meeting in a private place
- Keep in contact! Let folks/friends/family know where and who you're meeting and when to expect you back from the date
- Go slow!
When posting use first-names only of people on the list
Good netiquette suggests that you refer to folks not on the list with their single initial(s) or some meaningful mnemonic of your own
Never, Never, !*NEVER*! publicly post your full name and/or address to the list ... or anyone else's for that matter, except for *ssholes, of course, they get what they deserve. [note to self: keep the vitriol down, guy!]
When hosting a party expect RSVP and provide directions only to those who have RSVPed
Discuss your own stuff, not anyone else's
Let others out themselves, that's not your job
Go slow! Even slower than that!

Rules, Guidelines, who needs 'em? Some people do!

It's a choice whether you want to speed up your life and skip over some of these items. When you come back to the list to tell your story, remember what to expect:

applause for being a Pristine Poly Person and keeping your cool in the midst of your poly life apparently going down the tubes. We do give awards: we have a bright lapel pin: "Poly Roll Model" and I personally will fax you a dollar for a good Poly Success Story
laughter, meaning you lived to tell about it! Way to go! Gotta get humorous about having a poly life, and the bumbles that necessarily accompany these AFGOs (Another F*cking Growth Experience). Poly Crash& Burn will be funny to you, one of these daze. :-D
clucking: <tsk, tsk> remember: We Told You So!

I am aware that at least one person who exhibited inappropriate poly behavior was discovered and soon enough choose to unsubscribe. There are folks that don't belong here. We have to police ourselves. Surely you don't expect the few council members to do it all? We are trying, and to date I feel that PSE security is successful.

I want to thank M & R for all the behind-the-scenes work that they do to keep the list-server running and C for her work on our web-site. <round of applause>

Remember: Security is a community consciousness. Understand what your part is, and ask appropriate questions.

yours, in community
laughing, loving, living, and learning ;-)

Ron, poly welcome wagon host in Atlanta

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